As we started telling people about our sabbatical plans, lots of people told me “I would love to go on sabbatical, but my kids don’t want to.” I always tell them how my kids responded:
Kid #1: Can we just go now and get the whole thing over with?
Kid #2: We’re not going to understand the teachers in Spain anyway, so why do we have to go to school?
Kid #3: What if I forget how to speak English?
Kid #4: But I need to have my birthday party with my friends here!
Plus a general concern from all of them about not wanting to leave their friends. I’d say the first month after we told the kids we were definitely leaving for 4-6 months, they were unhappy with the whole idea. There was a lot of sighing, concern about who was going to take care of our cat and fish, and pointing out all the things they wouldn’t be able to do because we would be gone.
That changed to resignation then acceptance after a few months. Having other parents and adults tell the kids how exciting a sabbatical is actually legitimized the concept. Even a month before our departure, they still weren’t actually excited about any of it. If I had suddenly told them “Actually, something changed and we can’t go” they would have said “OK” and that would have been the end of it.
Assume the kids will hate the idea of a sabbatical
Don’t expect them to share your enthusiasm, or appreciate what a great experience it is, or how much any adult would love to have this opportunity. I promise they don’t care.
Don’t let their lack of enthusiasm dampen yours. A sabbatical IS a great experience and an opportunity most people would love to have. You’re the adult. You know stuff they don’t know. This is one of those things they don’t know.
And if they happen to be enthusiastic, it will be a pleasant surprise.
Remember that you’re part of the family too
If you have had a dream for over twenty years to take a sabbatical like I did, don’t let your kids talk you out of it. Humans, especially most kids, prefer the known over the unknown. If the choice is between staying where you are and doing something totally unknown, they will choose the status quo. But that doesn’t mean you have to let them dictate the plans!
Unless your family has done some previous extended travel, they don’t really know what it means or what it’s like to travel for longer periods, or really get to know another part of the world. Even if you have traveled before, this would still be different- they’ll be older, can have different experiences, or may be going to a completely new place.
Don’t make it a choice if it really isn’t
If you know it’s going to happen, tell them that. If you want to gauge their reaction before making a final decision, it’s easier to present it as “Our plan is to go on sabbatical during this time. We’re still working out details and want you to be involved in the planning and have input.” You can always decide not to go, but it’s a lot harder if you approach it as asking their permission then deciding to go even if they don’t want to.
Talk openly about the challenges of doing something different
Leaving for extended period means your kids are going to be different from their friends, and that can be hard by itself. It’s a great opportunity to talk about how change can be hard, and taking a different path than most people involves some risk and challenges. They’ll get some real life experience in how doing something different will be harder and more rewarding.
They’re going to miss some shared experiences their friends will have, and they may have some legitimate concerns about whether their friendships can withstand the months apart. Encourage them to talk about their concerns.
Include them in the planning process
Honestly this is harder than it sounds. When we’ve done this in the past for trips it’s been far more successful on a day to day basis than a big picture, like choosing between two museums. Trip planning and logistics are complicated, especially from far away. And asking them things like “Would you rather go to Turkey or Morocco” is really hard for an 8 year old (especially an 8 year old who was 5 when COVID started, and hasn’t traveled as much as her brothers) to answer.
In the past the activities I planned specifically for them that I was sure they’d love were the biggest flops:
- Shanghai Chocolate museum with 240 free chocolate samples: “Too much chocolate”
- Shanghai Disney: “Too many people”
- Beach trip: “I only like oceans without waves”
My usual approach is to research several activities they might like and keep things flexible enough that they can choose while we’re there. One of the main reasons we chose the Galapagos is because they love animals and that seems like a surefire hit. But then again, so did the chocolate museum…
How did you approach talking to your kids about a sabbatical? How did it go?